Fear I Have To Live On

24th August
Dear Diary,

It's a game night again! So, I fake my face to be happy because I am a cheerleader! During the game Brooke said something about me liking Lucas...I don't know exactly what I feel...But of course I have to deny it. Well...Lucas playing awesome tonight! Then...we're moving on to the best part which Nathan invited Lucas to the after game party. Seems like Lucas brought someone named Haley James, the tutor girl. I can see that Nathan is trying to flirt with her. I'm sooo get used to it but with Haley??? I mean...Nathan flirts a lot! Usually he will flirts with cheerleader or another hot girl but a nerdy??? This can't be good!

Then, there's a quite nerve-wrecking moment when Brooke saw the comic strip that I did. She's freaks out, of course! Nathan is actually kinda knew about the comic strip...But luckily Lucas trying to make them stop.

After that I sit with Nathan and Brooke and some other people. They are having fun playing "I've Never" game. Brooke invited Lucas to join the game. I knew it's not gonna be good. It turned out as what I expected where Nathan once again dissing Lucas about the dad-thing.

And tonight, I spoke to Haley. We're just having a small talk about her tutoring Nathan. I told her to teach Nathan how not to be a jackass. She said that she will put it on the lesson plan. She should! Then I asked her if Lucas knows about this. She's speechless. I assume Lucas doesn't know. I wonder what happen when he knew...

After I went to the bathroom, I took some fresh air and a little drunk. Then Lucas came and asking about his confusion. He said that he doesn't understand when i want to be anonymous but i let the world watch me on the webcam...Then i said to him that the world isn't watching me but he is. Then he said something and i said something (because i'm drunk)...all i remembered was that i told him that i don't need him to defend my art. Suddenly, we heard the crowd saying something about the video they are watching and we're going inside. In that video there were a boy and a girl from 80's during prom I think saying something about their dreams! It turns out that the girl is Lucas' mom and Dan. Well, Nathan will never find a way to stop this dispute I guess!!!

The video make me think that what if someday I become like Karen (Lucas' mom)? I don't wanna end up like that. I don't wanna be treated like crap by a boy. I want someone who I can trust and rely on. Apparently, Nathan is not that guy! That's the fear I have to live on for now!

Tonight, Nathan's really pissed me off. First, he's being mean to Lucas and then he is disappeared from his own party for TWO hours and lastly, where he took my car? I know his lying when he told me that Tim borrowed the car to sent Brooke home. Then, with his straight face asking me if I wanted to go to bed with him??? Jerk!!! But, I spent the night at his house though because i don't have a car! Where the hell is Tim taking my car! Jerk and jerk!!!